Anyone passing by my house will see two brightly colored orange doors. To me, these bright orange doors symbolize boldly starting over again at almost 50 years old. I’m sure that no one gives my orange doors a second thought, but I absolutely love my orange doors! They mean SO much to me. Honestly, it’s rather scary that I love my orange doors so much.
The orange door started the transformation of my house at a time I wasn’t freely able to transform anything I wanted within its walls to make it my own. The legal battle raged for over 18 months and I struggled with how to move forward with my life while still being tethered to him in the tangled snarl that becomes one’s life after one’s spouse makes the unilateral decision to separate. Limbo just sucks.
I knew if I painted the front door, it could easily be undone should he win the legal battle and remove me from my home. I bought a $13 can of orange outdoor paint and went to town. It made a big difference in my life. *I* chose to paint my door to make my house my own. Simple. Cheap. Something I notice every day when I come and go!
What I didn’t know then was that I would be able to refinance my home solely in my name. Thanks to a miracle from God and being a veteran, using my VA benefits, I was able to refinance. It was a lot of work to refinance it. The VA not only needed all of the required military service records, I had to provide the divorce decree and property settlement agreement. Some days I thought they might ask me for a DNA sample.
Y’all, this was absolutely one of the biggest miracles God performed over the last two and a half years! God either found the dumbest underwriter on the planet to review my loan details or He slipped a dose of the Holy Spirit into someone’s drink. There is no earthly way to explain how a mom who stayed at home for 24 years, never worked outside the home and just got her first full-time job in 25 years was able to refinance a house. I give ALL the glory to God!
I cried out to the Lord. I mean, C-R-I-E-D —balled. I begged Him for mercy and forgiveness. I knew that I was not worthy of such a blessing, but I asked Him anyway. I would never tell anyone that I was blameless in my marriage.
Anyone who has been married ANYONE would see right through that LIE. God would certainly see right through that lie! God blessed me more than I deserve and I am so thankful. I am a sinner and over 24 years of marriage I said and did awful things. There’s no denying that!
The day my ex left, my youngest son was still living at home full-time and my middle son was home on a break from college. I knew from past experience with my oldest son that these college years are so very precious. Especially for mamas of sons. Sons graduate college, find themselves a wife and don’t look back– at least not as often as girls. Oh, they love their mamas, no doubt, y’all. But the Bible tells us in Matthew 19 that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. You know the part where Jesus tells the Pharisees that it is not lawful for a man to divorce his wife– except for in cases of sexual immorality!? I digress, so there I sat, begging God to allow me to have this special time with my youngest two sons. I cried so much and poured my soul out to God–I sobbed and told Him that it would absolutely break my heart if I wasn’t able to spend these last precious moments with my boys.
God provided that miracle for me! My youngest son lived with me for the first year after my husband left and it was such a consolation for my heart. We planned our weekly food menu together and he would even cook some nights. It was a difficult time full of stress and tension, but having him here to help me with electronic devices was a blessing :sarcastic font: My middle son and he did great things for me–great things that would require a novel to be written. My middle son came home almost every weekend from school for a while, another big consolation for my heart, I mean, even if he was just coming into town to see his best friend. :sarcastic font: (I hope y’all get my sense of humor here) Those nights when my youngest two sons and I all slept under the same roof really were amazing blessings in my life. Blessings that I thank God for each and every day.
My house looks so much different than it did 2 1/2 years ago–but that is a story for another blog post. If you are struggling while you are still legally tethered to your ex, try to find joy in the little things you can do to create a new life for yourself. Plant an herb garden, pint your front door, move the furniture you have left around. It’s a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. Jesus tells the Pharisees in Matthew 19 that the two become one flesh in marriage. That’s why divorce is so painful, y’all. Divorce rips apart that one flesh into two!
Be gentle with yourself and know your wounds are real, the pain is real and your suffering is real. God knows you are hurting and, in His time, He will restore you to wholeness again.