Mediation is required in the state of North Carolina. So, there I sat in a room with my lawyer and her paralegal knowing it would be an epic fail. He and his lawyer in another room, because there was no way in the underworld that I would ever sit in the same room with the blackmailing bully narcissist. One simply does not mediate or negotiate with a narcissist. The narcissist wants it ALL. To the narcissist, the only acceptable outcome is winning and receiving what he feels is fair and just–and that’s everything. Because, after all, he has done nothing wrong and is the victim.
My lawyer and I ended up walking out of mediation. The entire thing was an epic fail. We walked in to find that he was trying to hide even more than we knew he was hiding previously. Over the course of the year prior to mediation, we had to threaten subpoena to get financial and legal documents that he had removed from the home. He and his lawyer failed to be forthcoming about ANYTHING. It was a nightmare.
Mediation day was the day we found out he was living with his paramour. He had used sharpie to redact his current address on new documents he provided. When pushed and asked about living with a paramour, let’s just say his lawyer let the cat out of the bag to the mediating lawyer. We almost walked then….but ended up staying a few hours longer. Y’all, this is where I remind people that God is bigger than me ex-spouse! God is so good. God’s timing is perfect.
On that day, my husband wanted me to move out of the house, offered very little in terms of alimony and wanted most of the contents of our home. I negotiated a bit and he wouldn’t agree to give up ANYTHING on his list. I was willing to give up my home that day, but he refused to give up any of his demands. In another blog entry, I’ll explain more about mediation in detail in regard to property settlement and God’s timing.
Clearly, his lawyer believes me to be a psycho. The mediating lawyer came in time after time asking me lots of very odd questions that, in my opinion, had absolutely nothing to do with property settlement. I can laugh now because of the ridiculous nature of the questions, but it has taken a while to get there. A long while.
The mediator walked in, sat down and asked,”So, he says you are mentally unstable and that you flipped him off in church.” Her jaw dropped slightly when I retorted, “Yes, I did. Did he happen to tell you why I flipped him off in church?” She replied, “Well, no.”
Let me tell you why I flipped my husband off in church. Am I proud of it? No. But, when you only get half of the story, it does sound like I might be a bit on the psycho side of life. It was the Sunday after he had partially cleared my house and took things that belonged to me. It also happened to be the anniversary of the death of my twins. Just not a good day to begin with, y’all.
My youngest attended church with me that morning and we sat at the end of a pew about halfway up the aisle, my youngest sitting at the edge nearest the aisle. As I knelt praying, I received a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to my son’s wide-eyed face staring at me. His father was standing behind him in the aisle. I sat up in the pew and my youngest implored me to move over so his dad could sit. Um, no. I mouthed to my husband, “Seriously?” He just looked at me with a blank stare. My son said, “Mom, just move over so he can sit.” “No!” I whispered. “Please, mom,” he said. I hesitantly wiggled over to make room.
I was FLOORED. I was SHOCKED. Normal people do NOT sit next to the spouse they just left one week prior. As I sat there filled with a mix of emotions, I couldn’t help myself. I did a discreet side flip off.
Was it the right thing to do? Probably not. But God can handle it. My husband had left one week beforehand. Removed me from our car insurance. Drained the bank accounts. Stole things precious to me from our home. I also had the pleasure of learning that very week he had planned his escape from our marriage for quite a while to save up funds. I found out that he had stopped paying all bills in my name 3-4 months prior. My credit was ruined all so HE could afford to live his new life.
I felt so uncomfortable in church that day, sitting next to the man who had, quite literally, shown me EXACTLY how much he hated me. He will say he didn’t hate me and that he didn’t sit next to me. He will say he still cared for me and that he sat next to his son (who was next to me in the pew). Both obvious signs that he has something desperately wrong with his mind. I didn’t hear one word of God’s Word. I didn’t hear the sermon. I just wanted to LEAVE Mass. I couldn’t process the fact that my now estranged husband sat next to me in church!! The man who told me I was a horrible mom, horrible wife, and called me a psychotic bitch, awful Christian, and left because he no longer wanted to be married to me—-sat next to me in church!! On the anniversary of our twins’ death, just adding insult to injury.
On October 23, 2000, I lost my twins. On October 23, 2016, I realized, once again, that the man I married was mentally ill. To this day, he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong with the way he left me. He still defends his sitting next to me in church as an appropriate thing to do that Sunday. He still insists that he did NOT sit next to me, he sat next to his son.