It’s been said that a family that prays together stays together. Family members who love one another pray together. Love is a powerful emotion. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Hate is a powerful emotion in its own right. If one hates enough, it leads to indifference. I’ve experienced the evolution from hate to indifference firsthand. I thought we loved each other when we married in 1993. Over the course of the marriage, I experienced a hatred of me that eventually turned to indifference.
I believe there was, at the very least, some good in our marriage. If the ex was truthful with himself, even he couldn’t deny that much. I can definitely remember the love, laughter and many blessings that spanned a 2 year courtship and 24 year marriage. My 3 boys are the greatest blessings and the greatest GOOD to come from our marital union. The wasband said the day he moved the rest of his stuff out, “There was NOTHING good about our marriage.” For what it’s worth, I don’t hate my ex, for my hating him would be hating half of each of my children. I am so thankful to God for each one of my boys and cannot imagine life without them. I could NEVER deny the good. I now have two grandchildren who light up my world and add to the greatest of my blessings! My marriage, though failed, has greatly blessed my life! <<—-undeniable truth.
Letting go is hard. In the aftermath of divorce, much like the aftermath of my brother’s suicide, I find myself asking, “WHY!? Why did he do this?” It’s probably not what you think I’m questioning. I am not asking why he filed for divorce. I’m honestly over that. Healing takes time and effort, but there are things that keep drawing me back in like a heroin addict going for his next fix. My heroin is my kids. While I will never understand exactly why he gave up on our 24 year marriage and filed for divorce after two of the roughest years of MY life and subsequently our marriage, I have let it go.
What hurts the most is the fact that in the process of abandoning our marriage, he and his family have also abandoned my two youngest boys. I have been battling with trying to understand this abandonment in recent weeks. It is completely incomprehensible to me! I remind myself that forgiveness is a process. Every time he neglects or harms my sons, it triggers anger from deep within and I seem to un-forgive him….just a little. I’m a mama bear. Don’t mess with my children!!! <growl>
My youngest two boys are chronically ill and have had several hospitalizations, several procedures and many appointments since the ex left just over 2 1/2 years ago. In fact, the day after pilot boy partially cleared my house and left, my middle son ended up at the hospital. One year previous, my son was hospitalized in the cancer center because of a uvula infection the doctors felt could block his airway. 10 months later, the hem/onc told my son on Oct 16, 2016 to go to the ER to be evaluated for a similar infection. My son was feeling awful and I texted his father (not delivered because I was blocked) and I texted his paternal grandmother, paternal grandfather and paternal uncle. No one responded. No one reached out to my son.
A friend texted his father to let him know his son was at the hospital and his father texted back, “They are being dramatic.” Right. Hospitals prescribe Clindamycin for dramatic. And thus began my inability to comprehend such cold-hearted behavior toward his children. It makes my brain hurt just thinking about it. He told me once after he left with a growl, “I won’t be at the hospital with the boys if you are there.” To which I replied, “I don’t care if you and your whore are there, I’ll ALWAYS be at the hospital with my sons!” I was taken aback that ANY father could say such a hateful thing and my response, while true, was said in anger, hence the use of the word “whore”!
It’s hospital trip week this week and as I write this, I’m a little stressed and anxious. Let me explain, my youngest two sons have Shwachman-Diamond Syndrome and there are only a few bone marrow failure clinics in the country. The closest one is 8 hours from home. The boys have been followed there for 14 years, so this isn’t some new thing I “made up” for sympathy or extortion as the ex purports. The last two weeks, I’ve been trying to work and help coordinate all the specialists, lab work and procedures for my boys. It’s what moms do.
Both of my youngest sons currently have broken down cars. I’m paying for the entire hospital trip just as I have the last 3 trips to this hospital and can not afford to help them fix their cars right now. The youngest is an hour from home and had difficulty getting to his pre-op appointments! My middle son is living with me and borrowed my car to make his recent appointments, one of which was a specialist appointment he was referred to after pre-op testing came back abnormal! Talk about stressful!
Our lives aren’t really all that different now that the ex is gone, in all honesty though. He didn’t participate in the medical aspect of the boys’ lives while he was still here. In fact, he only met the doctor they have seen for the last 20 years a handful of times, if that. I bet that he can’t even name one doctor they are currently seeing—because they’ve outgrown that doctor. The only difference if he were in state might be that he could physically help them fix their cars. I readily admit that I cannot fix cars or anything else, for that matter.
I want to be able to do it all, but I can’t. While I am now blessed with a decent job, I cannot be father and mother. I recently sent ex an email (copied his father and brother as ex sends my emails directly to the trash bin). I let him (them) know almost two weeks ago that the youngest was stranded at school with a broken automobile. Told him/them that he needed transportation to get to his pre-op appointment. I don’t have paid vacation time off, and am taking time off for the hospital trip—another reason the boys need both parents to share in helping their children. I no longer have the luxury of being a stay at home mom who can be the on-call girl 24/7 for medical issues and hospitalizations.
I also sent my first group text ever to his entire family a few weeks ago, too. Out of desperation to help my sons. My youngest missed his bone marrow biopsy last year. Both boys are pre-leukemic and he HAS to get this done. His family can hate me all they want, but I was hoping there was enough combined love between them all that they would either convince pilot boy to do right by his children OR decide to help themselves. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Squat.
They hate me so much that they would forsake their children, grandchildren and nephews. I couldn’t do that to my children or grandchildren—or my nieces and nephews. None of our children deserves to be abandoned by the entire family. I believe that it is this hate for me that binds them so closely together and it is why I say, “The family that hates together stays together.”
For almost 3 years now I have asked pilot boy and his parents to love the boys more than they hate me. Thankfully, God is a loving and faithful father who fills in the gaps when our earthly fathers and earthly families are lacking. S